who i might be

Ireland.

My girlfriends and I had saved for over a year to make a pilgrimage to Ireland, our primary goal being, of course, to find Bono and The Edge and have them play us a little concert. Through one of my friend’s brother-in-law’s cousin we’d landed in an actual castle sitting on the perfect swath of dark green grass atop a hill that overlooked a beautiful body of water that I wasn’t sure was a lake or a river or some tiny sea I’d never heard of. It was like being thrown into an Irish Spring commercial and we were all in awe for the first few days of our adventure.

We spent the first couple of days roaming the hillside and being amazed at how gorgeous it was. We spent our nights dining on whatever the castle’s chef created for us and toasted ourselves with Guinness and champagne and were sure no one was as lucky as us. But then my body decided to rebel and I got the worst flu of my life and was practically quarantined in my room while my friends explored the town and found Irish boys to flirt with. The housekeeper, also a nice feature of the castle, brought me soup that I could hardly get down and swapped one damp washcloth for another. When my fever didn’t go away after three days she contacted a doctor and I wondered if I might die right there in the castle.

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to travel right now,” he said, less than 24 hours before we were scheduled to leave for part two of our adventure, a cruise to Scotland.

“We can just cancel,” my friend Alicia said, much to the chagrin of the other two. Alicia was the one I’d known the longest and I’d met Ginger and Lois through her. We were good friends too but if I’d had to pick my favorite, my best friend, it would have certainly been Alicia.

“Don’t be silly,” I coughed. “It won’t be fun here. You have to go.”

“I hate to leave you,” she continued, and while I appreciated her loyalty I knew she’d be miserable if she stayed.

“Go,” I said and tried to smile. “I insist.”

And so, 19 hours later, they left. I was thankful that Alicia had arranged for me to stay on in the castle even though another group of people was due to arrive five days later. I was certain I’d be better long before then so I waved goodbye and cried myself to sleep wondering why I’d been hit with such bad luck.

The chef and housekeeper were scheduled to have a few days off between our departure and the next group’s arrival but the housekeeper stayed even though I told her I’d be able to manage. Secretly, of course, I was incredibly thankful for her kindness. 

My fever finally broke in the middle of the second night after my friends left and I forced myself to get up and take a shower since I’d been lounging in my own filth for several days. I thought about changing the sheets but didn’t even want to think about how hard that would be and decided against it. When I was just about to crawl back into bed I heard someone talking and wondered if I was hallucinating. I knew it couldn’t be the housekeeper since her room was actually in a separate building adjacent to the house.

I crept out of my room and felt like someone about to get killed in a horror movie as I walked toward the man’s voice. In my head I kept telling myself to turn around but I didn’t listen and kept walking until I saw the speaker of the voice in a room at the other end of the hall. He turned just as I saw him and we both jumped in fright.

“Who are you?” he asked after putting his phone in his pocket.

“You first,” I said and wished I’d grabbed a lamp or something heavy as I tiptoed through the hall.

“Colin Fitzgerald the Third,” he announced and I detected a nice Irish lilt in his voice. “It’s my uncle’s castle.”

“Oh,” I said and felt completely embarrassed.

“And you are?” he smiled and I wished he hadn’t because it was a perfectly crooked smile that made me weak in the knees almost instantly.

“Right,” I said and actually clung to the wall when my lack of food and days in bed started to catch up with me. “Catherine Miller.”

“Are you okay?” he asked and started walking toward me.

“Uh huh,” I said but I clearly wasn’t. I’d used up every ounce of energy I had, which wasn’t much to start with, and I was standing there wondering if I might have to crawl back to my room when everything started to spin. “I’ll just…”

“I’ve got you,” he said as I collapsed into his arms. 

When I woke up hours later the sun was shining and I was in the bed in his room but he was nowhere I could see. The doctor, on the other hand, was sitting in a chair eagerly awaiting me to open my eyes.

“I thought I told you to stay in bed,” he winked.

“I heard a noise,” I said and realized the fever had returned.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left you after your friends left,” he said. “You really shouldn’t be alone.”

“But they’re gone,” I sighed.

“But I’m here,” the boy I’d met the night before chimed in from the doorway. He was carrying a silver tray and sat it on the table next to the bed. It appeared to contain a bowl of soup, some crackers, a glass of water and a tiny vase of clovers.

“And I trust you will stay Colin?” the doctor asked him, raising his eyebrows over his bifocals.

“Of course Uncle,” he said and flashed that grin that had gotten me in trouble the night before.

“Uncle? Is this your castle?”

“Oh no,” the doctor laughed. “That’s Colin’s other uncle.” I nodded as though it was perfectly normal that someone’s uncle owned a castle. “Anyhow,” he continued and stood from his chair. “Until this fever is completely gone I want you to stay in bed. Let Colin take care of you. I’ll be checking in with him so I’ll know if you don’t follow my orders.”

“Got it,” I smiled.

“I’ll be right back,” Colin said and I nodded then watched the two of them walk out. I rolled over in bed and closed my eyes and was almost asleep when he returned. “You really should try to eat something,” he said after walking around to the other side of the bed.

“I can’t,” I sighed.

“Then at least drink something,” he smiled and walked back around to the tray of food as I tried to sit up. He sat on the edge of the bed and handed me the glass after putting a bendy straw in it. My fingers grazed his as I wrapped my hands around the glass and he smiled. 

“So do you live here?” I asked after downing half the glass.

“No,” he said and took the glass from me when I couldn’t drink any more. “I usually just come for a few weeks in the summer.”

“They told me no one would be here for a week,” I said. “I can go to a hotel in town.”

“I’m pretty sure my uncle wouldn’t approve of that,” he winked and I couldn’t help but smile. I then broke out into a horrific coughing fit and slid back under the covers and wished I could disappear. “Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked and I shook my head and blinked my eyes. He nodded and stood from the bed then walked toward the couch on the other side of the room.

I wanted to talk to him but could only close my eyes and drift back into sleep. It was dark when I woke up again and I’d lost all track of time. I didn’t have my phone or laptop since I’d left them in my original room and didn’t see a clock anywhere. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness until I made out the glass of water still on the tray next to the bed then pushed myself up again and reached out to grab it. After I drained the rest of the water from the glass I reached to set it back on the tray but somehow didn’t quite make it and ended up knocking the whole tray onto the floor.

“I’m up! I’m up!” Colin’s voice said from across the room and I jumped when I heard him. “Are you okay?” he asked after flipping on the light on the other side of the bed.

“I think so,” I said, blinking my eyes while they let the light in. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Just as long as you’re okay.” I nodded and he walked around to survey the damage. “Can I trust you to stay out of trouble while I go get something to clean this up?” He winked and I smiled as I nodded then watched him pick up the big pieces of glass and carry the tray out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a broom and a dustpan as well as a cloth to mop up the remnants of the soup.

“I’m so sorry,” I said as I watched him clean, wondering why he didn’t call the housekeeper. He looked up at me and smiled and I wondered if he was as cute as I thought or if it was just the fever talking. “Were you sleeping in here?” I asked and he nodded. “Aren’t there like a hundred other bedrooms?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“That’s very sweet,” I smiled. “But completely unnecessary.”

“Clearly you need someone here to take care of you,” he winked after sweeping up the last of the mess.

“Very funny,” I grinned. “What time is it anyway?”

“A little after five. Why, do you have an important engagement to get to?” He was definitely as cute as I thought he was and I was enjoying the fact that he was flirting with me.

“Yes, I’m very busy,” I flirted back and he laughed as he walked out to dispose of the mess he’d cleaned up.

“Okay seriously though,” he said when he walked back in a few minutes later. “Why is it that you’re laying here sick in my bed?”

“Well, I’m not sure why I’m in this bed in particular,” I replied. “I was down the hall until a night or so ago.” He smirked as he sat back on the edge of the bed near my legs. “I just assumed the doctor, your uncle, told you what happened.”

“He did not,” he said and pulled his legs up onto the bed and crossed them as his perfectly green Irish eyes smiled right at me. “You’ll need to fill me in.”

I pushed myself up a little as it became a bit awkward that he was so close to me. I made sure the blankets were pulled fully up so nothing was showing that shouldn’t have been and then told him my sad little tale.

“You poor thing,” he said and put his hand on my leg which sent a few tingles through my body even though there were several layers of blankets separating our skin. “Are you feeling any better today?”

“A little,” I said. “Having someone to talk to is helpful, but I’m sure you have better things to do than play nursemaid to me.”

“You’d think so wouldn’t you?” he winked and I wasn’t sure how to take his words. “I actually wasn’t supposed to be here for another week but all my plans changed when I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me.”

“Oh Colin,” I sighed and felt genuinely bad for him. 

“I should have seen it coming,” he continued and stretched his body out along the foot of the bed, supporting his head with a bent elbow. “I was never good enough for her.”

“I find that hard to believe. Did she not know you had a castle?” I was trying to make light of things and thankfully, he smiled.

“I guess it didn’t quite compare to her world of Hollywood actors. I think I was too simple for her. She kept trying to push me into her world, encouraging me to switch from writing my novel to writing a screenplay and that sort of thing, but I didn’t want any part of it. In the end, I found her kissing a fairly famous actor on the beach and that was that.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said. I didn’t really know what he was going through since I’d never cheated on anyone or been cheated on or even been dumped. In fact, I’d never been in anything you could even call a relationship so my experience was nil. “So she was supposed to be coming over here with you?”

He nodded. “Yeah, she and her brother and a few of our friends, mostly her friends. Once we ended things the trip fell apart and I was more than happy to get over here and spend some quality time alone.”

“And then I showed up in the middle of the night and messed everything up,” I smiled.

“Well yes,” he teased and playfully grabbed my foot. “You’ve really ruined my plans of sulking.”

“I’m sure this castle is big enough for you to sulk in a corner somewhere and forget you ever found me,” I smiled and felt my cheeks warm with what I was certain was a bright red blush.

We talked late into the night, I’m not even sure how long because at some point we both fell asleep. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t really know me and it certainly didn’t hurt that he was a cute Irish boy with a barely-there accent that made me melt. 

I woke up the next morning when the sun swept across the bed and realized Colin was sleeping right beside me. He’d still been at the end of the bed the last I’d remembered but I rather liked seeing his face when I turned my head. He was on top of the covers while I was still snuggled deep underneath them and I watched him sleep for nearly twenty minutes before he blinked his eyes open.

“Morning,” he smiled when he saw me staring.

“Hi. Sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair as he sat up. “Sorry, I don’t even remember how I got here.”

“It’s okay.”

“How are you feeling this morning?” he asked and put the back of his hand against my forehead. “You don’t seem as warm as you did before.”

“I feel a little better. Actually, I feel sort of hungry. That’s a good sign, right?”

“Definitely. Why don’t I go get us some breakfast?” I nodded then smiled and watched him get off the bed and wander out of the room. I got up and took myself to the bathroom and nearly screamed when I saw my hair sticking up all over the place. I fixed it the best I could but really wanted to take a shower and change clothes. As far as I could tell though, my stuff was still in the other room and I didn’t feel like exerting the energy it would have taken to go get it. I rinsed my mouth with the mouthwash I found in a cabinet then climbed back in bed and sat up with the blankets covering my lap and waited for Colin’s return.

He walked back in about fifteen minutes later with a tray full of toast, muffins and fresh fruit along with several types of juice. “I wasn’t sure what might taste good,” he said and sat the tray in the middle of the bed then sat opposite so he was facing me.

“Thanks Colin. It all looks pretty good.” I took a piece of toast and broke it in half over the plate then ate it slowly. We didn’t talk much as we ate just exchanged a lot of smiles and I wished I felt better so we could go explore the countryside together.

“Here we are,” the housekeeper said, appearing in the doorway with my things from the other room. “Where shall I put them?”

“Right over there is fine Calle,” he said. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” she smiled then was gone as quickly as she’d appeared.

“I figured you might want your stuff,” he smiled and I nodded. “Maybe if you’re up for it later we can leave this room and go watch a movie or something.”

“A movie?” I asked. “I can barely get from here to the bathroom. There’s no way I’m leaving the house and going to a movie.”

“Did I say leave? I don’t believe I said leave.” His eyes twinkled and I just stared into them until he finished talking. “There are lots of rooms in a castle you know. Some of them are mini movie theatres.”

“Of course they are,” I said and sipped my cranberry juice.

“So?”

“So yes. I’d love to go see a movie with you.”

“Good,” he smiled and we lingered over breakfast for almost another hour. “Well, I’m going to let you rest,” he said after Calle came and took the breakfast tray from us. “Just let me know when you’re up for the movie. I’ll probably be in the library reading.”

“The library?” I asked.

“When you leave the room you’ll go to the right, then take your first left and go up a small flight of stairs…you know what? Just text me and I’ll come back and get you. I assume you have a phone somewhere.” 

I nodded, as I assumed it was with my stuff that had been delivered earlier. “Tell me your number and I’ll send you a text now so you have mine.” I obliged him and heard my phone ding from across the room when his text arrived. “Very good,” he smiled. “There’s obviously no hurry at all so just take it easy and if you need anything, well, now you know how to reach me.”

“Right,” I said. “Got it.”

He pocketed his phone then pulled the double doors closed behind him and I smiled as I thought about how my vacation was turning out. I got up and found my phone, along with its charger, and plugged it in next to the bed and checked my messages. I had several from my friends and sent them one collective text back to let them know I was alive and on the mend. I didn’t mention Colin because I wanted to keep whatever was going on all to myself. 

I smiled when I read the text he’d sent me, “Take care of yourself pretty girl. See you soon.” then sent one back to him. “Thanks for everything. Looking forward to the movie.” “Me too,” he sent back and I put the phone down and snuggled under the covers and thought about nothing but him when I closed my eyes.

I woke up sometime later and discovered it was about five hours later when I checked the time on my phone. The sleep had done me a world of good though and I actually felt like I was on the road to recovery. I got out of bed and dug through my suitcase then took a nice long shower and put on clean clothes for the first time in days. I threw my hair into a loose braid since I had no interest in drying it then sent Colin a text and told him I was ready for our movie.

“I left you a path,” his first text said. “Open the door and follow the string.”

I found myself giddy as I padded my way toward the door then laughed when I saw an actual string tied to the outer knob. A handwritten tag attached to it simply said, “Follow me.”

I walked slowly down the hall, making the first right, instead of the first left as I thought he’d said, and then went down a flight of stairs. I could have sworn he said up when he was telling me earlier but I followed nonetheless. I passed multiple doors and took several more turns before I walked into a dark room lit only by candles and the flickering light of a projector paused at the start of a movie.

“You made it,” he said and stood to greet me. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“I did,” I smiled and followed him to a dark chocolate couch and sat down on its edge just a few inches away from him. “I actually feel a lot better.”

“I’m so glad,” he smiled and put his hand on my knee. “I must say,” he continued. “You look pretty amazing.” I know I blushed as I turned my head away. 

“Thanks,” I said without looking back at him.

“Come on,” he said and took my hand in his. “Let’s settle in for the movie.” He inched his way back into the large sofa and I slipped my hand from his and did the same. “Sorry,” he said when I leaned away from him. “I’m kind of a touchy feely guy. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“It’s not that,” I said and tried to look into his eyes without melting. “I’m just…it’s not something I’m used to, that’s all.”

“You mean your boyfriends haven’t been affectionate?” he asked and I nearly cried.

“I mean,” I said and wrapped my arms around my knees after pulling them into my chest. “There haven’t been any boyfriends.”

“Girlfriends?” he asked with raised eyebrows and I couldn’t help but smile. “Sorry. But I don’t think I understand. What do you mean there haven’t been any boyfriends?”

“I mean exactly what it sounds like I mean.”

“I’m clearly missing something,” he said and looked at me with inquisitive eyes. “You’ve never had a boyfriend?”

“Right. And I’d really appreciate you not dwelling on it.”

“How can I not?” he asked and seemed completely surprised by the idea. “It seems impossible that you’ve never had a boyfriend. Do you live in a nunnery or something?”

“I guess I’m just not really anyone’s type,” I said and felt the tears start to prick my eyelids. “Can we please just watch the movie?” I turned my head and body away and leaned into the pillow on the end of the couch and hoped the tears wouldn’t appear. I knew he wasn’t trying to be mean but it hurt nonetheless and I’d spent many nights in my life asking myself the same questions.

I’d never understood why no boys liked me growing up and after I was grown I never understood why no men liked me. Actually, plenty of boys and men liked me but all they wanted to be was friends. No one wanted to date me. I knew I wasn’t as pretty as most of my friends and knew I wasn’t as thin either, but I was confident in who I was and had a pretty good life. 

I’d always done well in school and could sing and play several instruments so I won a lot of talent shows. After college I’d landed a great job writing for a music magazine and had recently been named editor. I was, in my eyes only, a catch. 

Maybe I’d worked too hard and outshone too many men; maybe I’d scared them off. I was never a good flirt and never liked playing games so I probably turned a lot of guys off by being too much like them. I had stopped trying to figure it out and just assumed that if someone actually liked me I’d know what to do but it was pretty clear right then on the couch that I had no idea at all.

“Hey I’m really sorry,” he said.

“It’s fine,” I lied as a disobedient tear slipped out of my eye.

“I can see that it isn’t,” he said and began to rub my back which only made me start to cry in earnest and that, naturally, sent me into another coughing fit. He jumped up and brought me water and I could see in his eyes, even in the dimly lit room, that he was concerned and for some reason, I completely opened up to him about the history of my life. By the time I’d finished lamenting the boys and men I’d known and how they’d never wanted me as more than a friend my face was read from tears and all but the two tallest candles were completely burned out. The projector had shut itself long before I finished so the room was pretty dark.

“Well,” I said when all my words had been spoken. “There you have it. My sad little life in a nutshell.”

“Okay,” he said and stood up in front of me. “I really need to say something to you and it just won’t do if you’re sitting down.”

“Don’t be silly,” I said and hit the hand he’d offered me.

“Just stand up,” he smiled and it looked like he rolled his eyes.

I took his hand and let him pull me up from the couch and nearly hit my head on his chin when I stood. “It’s pretty clear to me you’ve been hanging out with all the wrong sort of men,” he said and began to unbraid my hair. “We’re not all idiots you know,” he continued and ran his fingers through my hair so that it was hanging down my back.

“I know,” I smiled and felt tingles throughout my body. 

“Some of us,” he said and kissed my forehead with such tenderness that I thought I could die and go to heaven right then, “could see spending the rest of our lives with a woman like you.” He moved his hands down my arms and grasped my hands when he reached them. “I barely know you and I’m completely hooked.”

“Be serious,” I whispered.

“I’m completely serious,” he smiled and kissed the corner of my mouth so perfectly that my knees actually did buckle. He caught me quickly after releasing my hands and with an instinct I didn’t really know I had I slipped my arms under his and wrapped them around his back while simultaneously turning my head and resting it on his chest. He tightened his grip around me and I felt hugged all over my body and hoped he’d never let go.

I’m not sure how long we held on to each other but we did eventually start to pull apart and all I could do was smile when he looked down into my eyes. The candles were almost completely out but I could still see the twinkle and knew his eyes were focused only on me. “Thank you Colin,” I said and truly meant it. He’d made me feel beautiful and perfect and even if it was nothing more than a gesture, I knew I’d never forget the feeling I had at that moment.

“Do you still want to watch a movie?” he asked.

“Sure,” I smiled even though I wasn’t sure he could totally see me. “And I might actually be hungry.”

“I’ll have some food brought down,” he said then kissed my forehead and slid his arms away from me. I followed suit then sat back down on the couch as he turned on a side lamp and picked up a house phone and talked to the chef. He looked somehow different; handsome instead of cute, strong, perfect, and all I could do was watch him. “What?” he smiled when he caught me looking.

“Nothing,” I lied.

He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do. It was very comfortable and I didn’t mind leaning back into him and being just a little bit closer. “So, what about that movie?” he asked.

“Okay,” I said and he turned the projector back on then pushed play for the movie that was still paused. I reached for the lamp and turned it off then pulled my legs up onto the couch and leaned into his chest a little more as the opening credits started to roll. I didn’t even care what the movie was but smiled when I realized it was The Sound of Music. “You like this movie?” I asked.

“I know you do,” he said and I pushed myself up and looked into his eyes.

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Let’s just say that you sing in your sleep,” he grinned and I was completely mortified. “Don’t be embarrassed. You can actually sing and it was really quite sweet.”

“I can’t even believe it,” I said. Friends in college had told me I’d woken them up singing on occasion but I didn’t realize it was still going on since no one had slept in the same room with me for years. “But you’re right,” I added. “I do love this movie.”

“Me too,” he whispered and kissed the top of my head after I leaned back into him.

It wasn’t long before the food arrived and we paused the movie momentarily to set things up on the table in front of the couch then quietly ate the divine shrimp scampi the chef had created. He’d also provided us with a warm loaf of French bread that we took turns breaking pieces from. I noticed we both dipped it in the buttery garlic goodness of the scampi dish before eating it and I wondered where he’d been all my life. It was just easy to be with him and that was something brand new for me.

I managed to stay awake through the whole movie but Colin was snoring lightly by the time the Von Trapps escaped and I rubbed my hand on his chest and kissed his cheek to wake him up.

“Hey,” he smiled. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yes,” I answered. “You’re terrible company.”

“Sorry,” he said but I was certain he knew I was teasing him.

“Don’t be. I’m completely exhausted but I always have to watch to make sure they actually escape the Nazis.”

“Cute,” he smiled and tapped my nose with his finger. “We should get to bed. I mean to sleep. You know what I mean.”

“Yes,” I smiled and laughed at his awkwardness since he’d been mostly confident and together since I’d met him. “Let’s do that. Sleep I mean.” He turned everything off then took my hand and pulled me from the couch. “I had an amazing time tonight Colin,” I said and squeezed his hand. “Thank you.”

“Thank you Catherine,” he said. “You made me remember how nice it is to be with someone who just wants to be with me.”

We exchanged smiles then walked back through the halls and stairwell and more halls until we were back at his room. “Well,” I said and shuffled my feet awkwardly. “I should go back to my real room.”

“Please don’t,” he said. “I mean it’s so far away and if you need something…well…it was just so nice waking up next to you this morning, and I really just want to sleep, nothing more.”

I smiled and nodded then followed him into the room, which had been cleaned since I’d left it. The bed was made and anything that had been in disarray was put back in its proper place. I stepped into the bathroom first and changed into my pajamas, which had been magically cleaned and were folded neatly on the vanity. I brushed my teeth and came back out to find him in a t-shirt and flannel lounge pants that said UCLA on them. “Your turn,” I smiled and his hand brushed mine as he walked past me. I plugged my phone back in and turned off the ringer then turned down the side of the bed I’d been sleeping in and slid under the covers and lay perfectly still underneath them.

“Is this too weird?” he asked when he came back out.

“It’s a little weird,” I said. “But it’s okay.”

“You’re sure,” he said and I nodded as he walked to the other side of the bed. I felt my body shiver as he pulled back the covers then felt something in my stomach flip over when he actually slid in next to me after turning off the light. He lay next to me and seemed to be as still as I was. “It’s weird,” he said.

“But kinda nice too,” I said and reached for his hand. “It’s certainly a first for me and I have no real way of knowing if this is normal or not but I don’t mind you being here.”

“You’re an amazing woman Catherine Miller,” he said and threaded his fingers through mine. “And I certainly don’t mind you being here either.”

We lay silently for several minutes but I knew I’d never be able to sleep on my back, as I generally rolled onto my side once I ready to actually close my eyes and send myself toward a dream.

“Okay, I can’t sleep like this,” he said and I actually laughed.

“Me either,” I said and slipped my hand from his and rolled over so I was facing him.

“Let’s try this,” he said and put his arm around my shoulder then wrapped his other one around my arm and pulled me into his chest. I closed my eyes and stretched my arm across his body and took a long deep breath. “Okay?” he whispered.

“Perfect,” I sighed and started to drift into sleep.

“Yes you are,” he whispered and kissed my head and I had a feeling I’d be staying in Ireland a lot longer than I planned.

© Carrie M. Medders

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