For better or worse.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said as we stood before a set of doors that would open momentarily and usher us into our destiny.
“Stop,” I said, tired of having the discussion we’d been having for days. “We’re doing this.”
“If you’re sure,” he said and we turned to look at each other.
“I’m sure,” I smiled. “Are you?”
“I’m sure that I love you,” he smiled back and a second later someone opened the doors.
The ceremony was short but still very meaningful. I shed a few tears, as did Ryder, and when all was said and done, we were married. Our families and friends weren’t there and we didn’t have a fancy reception or dinner to attend, but that was all our choice and when we got back to the apartment we’d been sharing since college, we turned into our separate bedrooms to change clothes.
I was lounging on my bed reading when I heard his knock on the door. “You can come in,” I said and set my book aside.
“Do you feel any different?” he asked and crawled onto my bed and sat cross-legged near its foot.
“Not really. You?” He shook his head and looked worried. “We did the right thing Ryder. I’m really fine with it. You should be too.”
“I am,” he said. “I just worry about you.”
“I know you do,” I smiled and it really was sweet how much he worried. “But I’m fine, really. This takes so much pressure out of my life. Now I can just focus on work and I don’t have to worry about you not getting the proper healthcare. And you know I love you, right?”
“I know,” he smiled and took my hand as I reached out for him.
It certainly wasn’t how I’d always planned on getting married but after struggling through the world of dating for years, marrying my best friend to get him health insurance and to give us both some stability in our lives, seemed ideal.
Ryder’s health had been iffy for some time but his job was temporary and afforded him no benefits so he’d been self-treating some sort of allergy/sinus/cold/lung problems for months. When he had a fever for nearly a week and got a cough that wouldn’t go away, I told him he had to see a doctor and told him I’d help him pay whatever it cost. The cost was beyond ridiculous and I was never as thankful for my insurance as I was when he handed me the invoice of what he owed. When they told him he had pneumonia and an infection in his lungs and started prescribing medicine and other tests, I knew we had to do something.
“I want to make you a proposal,” I said once he was settled back in bed and I was satisfied that he was of sound enough mind to process what I was about to say.
“Okay,” he said.
“Marry me,” I said and he looked scared and confused. “I know, I know, it’s crazy, but you need real healthcare and I have great insurance, and we already live together.”
“I couldn’t ask you to…”
“You didn’t,” I interrupted. “And neither of us are seeing anyone and haven’t for some time. And you are my best friend in the world and I refuse to imagine my life without you so I think this just makes the most sense.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Completely,” I smiled and put my hand on his.
Three weeks later we exchanged vows and I planned to add him to my insurance as soon as I got to work the following Monday. His health had improved somewhat but the cough was still there and he was incredibly weak. I knew he needed medicine and was incredibly happy I was going to be able to help him.
In technical terms I suppose it was a marriage of convenience but I didn’t care. It wasn’t really anyone’s business why we’d said I Do. There was nothing illegal about what we did, I didn’t think, and we did fundamentally love each other.
“Do you think we should tell our parents?” he asked and I threw my head back and laughed. “So, no then?”
“I just don’t really see the point,” I said. “Even if they came to visit, which let’s be honest, they aren’t going to do, we can be just the same as we’ve always been: roommates. We don’t have to wear the rings all the time and there’s no way they’re going to find out unless we tell them.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he agreed then started to cough and wheeze and I took him right back to bed where he’d been up until the time we had to get ready and leave for the ceremony. I made him rest pretty much all the time he was home and in a lot of ways, I really was a nagging wife.
He coughed himself to sleep while I sat in the chair in his room and read quietly, then I slipped out and crawled into my own bed and forced myself to sleep. No, it wasn’t a romantic marriage and maybe I’d regret that at some point, but I loved my friend and knew it was the right thing to do.
I prepared all weekend for what I was going to say when word got around the office that I’d gotten married and I just figured I’d say we realized we were in love and didn’t want to wait to start our lives together. It happened in television movies all the time so I figured it was worth a shot. I just hoped no one wanted to throw us a party or anything like that.
I went online when I got into my office and walked through the steps to add a spouse to my health insurance. It was strange how easy it was to just click a few buttons and type his name in but ten minutes later I had an email from human resources letting me know everything would be finalized in a couple of days at the most. It made it so much more real when I scanned in my marriage license and added that to my online file and even more real when someone from HR called me later in the day to tell me everything was good and Ryder would be eligible for all the benefits at the beginning of the next month, which was Friday of the same week.
“And congratulations!” she said before hanging up.
“Thanks,” I answered and wondered how long it would take the company grapevine to get the news. I found out 35 minutes later when my boss summoned me to his office.
“How come I didn’t know you were getting married?” he asked and actually seemed insulted that I hadn’t conferred with him about it.
“I don’t know sir,” I said. “It happened quickly and we didn’t want to make a deal about it.”
“You pregnant?” he asked, which he and I both knew he wasn’t legally allowed to ask me but I answered him anyway. He clearly didn’t believe me because his next words were, “You know I can’t afford to have you take time off right now.”
“I know sir,” I answered as I was in charge of the public relations for a rather large purchase we were making, the purchase of a rival company to be precise. “I have no plans to take time off.”
“Well alright,” he grumbled. “And congratulations I guess.”
“Thanks,” I said and turned around and walked back to my cubicle. That’s when the office buzz reached me and people started popping in and emailing and calling and instant messaging and I got absolutely no work done for the next two hours.
By the time I got home that evening, after stopping to pick up dinner, I was exhausted. Ryder was already home, relaxing on the couch, and it actually felt nice to have someone to come home to. It wasn’t that I didn’t have that when we were just roommates, but there was something different about it now that he was my husband.
“Hey,” I said as I sat the food on the counter and put my coat and keys away. “How are you feeling?”
“It’s been a decent day,” he said and stood to meet me in the kitchen. “Can I help?”
“Sure,” I smiled and he started opening boxes as I pulled out plates and silverware.
We carried things back to the living room then I wandered into my bedroom and changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt then sat down on the floor and leaned back against the couch he was once again occupying. “How was your day?” he asked and I let him know everything that had happened as I devoured my dinner. “Sorry it was so stressful,” he said and squeezed my shoulder then left his hand resting there while I told him about the insurance.
I pushed myself up once I’d finished dinner, grabbed his empty plate and mine and went into the kitchen to clean things up. He was engrossed in a game so I told him goodnight and headed back into my room where I drew a hot bath, lit candles and put on some music that was guaranteed to make me cry. Sometimes I just needed to cry out a day and that was certainly one of those times.
That first week of married life was harder than I expected, only because people at work were so interested and I had to tell the story over and over again. I was thankful they didn’t press me into having a shower, though more than one person tried to talk me into it. It wasn’t like we needed anything that most people get from a bridal shower anyway. We had everything already and I would have felt guilty if a single person bought me a present.
It was a week and a day after we’d exchanged vows that my mom showed up announced at our apartment. Ryder was at work when she arrived and I just had a bad feeling when I saw her face.
“Is it true?” she asked and her whole face was twisted up as though she’d just eaten an entire lemon.
“Come in mother,” I said and waited until she was all the way in before asking what she meant. “Don’t play dumb with me Marianne. Did you or did you not marry your roommate?”
I couldn’t imagine how she’d found out but I should have known that it wouldn’t have been as easy as I’d hoped to keep our secret. “Who told you that?” I asked, hoping to deflect things for just a few more minutes.
“It doesn’t really matter, does it? Just tell me if it’s true.”
“Yes mother,” I sighed and walked toward the kitchen. “Ryder and I are married.”
She didn’t say anything while I made the tea I always made when she was in my apartment. It seemed to calm her and I hoped that moment would be no different. I carried two mugs back to the living room and handed her one then sunk into the chair across from the couch she’d sat right in the middle of.
“And you’re happy?” she said after taking a long sip of the drink.
“Yes.”
“And you love him?”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t feel like this was important enough to tell your own mother?” she asked and I felt the dagger as it hit my heart.
“It’s just…we didn’t…it happened so fast…and we already live together…we didn’t want to make a big deal about it.” It sounded ridiculous as I said it since in a normal situation a child should have been happy to share her marriage with her family but my situation was anything but normal. “I’m sorry,” I added after a few quiet moments.
“Well can we at least throw you some sort of celebration party?” she asked and I was honestly surprised.
“That’s really sweet mom. Let me talk to Ryder, okay?” She nodded and drank the rest of her tea in silence. I was relieved when the phone rang, as the quiet was making me nervous, but when I heard the voice on the other end of the line I longed for the prior moments.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Larson?”
“Yes, this is she.”
“Mrs. Larson, I’m calling from Carter Memorial Hospital where your husband Ryder just arrived.”
“Oh my God, what happened?” I said and was genuinely scared. I leaned against the counter as I listened and felt my mother’s hand on my back while the hospital told me my husband, my friend, the man I lived with, had started to cough up blood at work then passed out and was brought in by co-workers. “I’ll be right there,” I said with tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat.
“I’ll drive,” my mom said and I threw my arms around her as I completely broke down.
Twenty minutes later we pulled into the parking lot and I ran toward the emergency room doors while she parked the car. “I’m here about Ryder Larson,” I said when I reached the counter. “I’m his wife.”
“One moment ma’am,” the nurse said and stood and walked away. I started to panic and was tapping my foot and strumming my fingers on the counter. My mom showed up a few seconds later and just put her arm around me and held on.
“Where is she?” I asked of no one.
“I’m sure she’ll be back soon,” my mom said and was as calm as I ever remembered her being.
“The doctor’s going to come get you in just minute,” the nurse said as she walked back up. “Just have a seat.”
“I don’t wanna have a seat!” I yelled, surprising myself by the emotions I was experiencing. “I wanna see my husband!”
“Come on,” my mom said and pulled me away from the counter. “It will just be a minute. We’ll wait right here.” She positioned us in front of the door so that as soon as the doctor opened it we’d be able to go in.
It was only about two minutes later that the doctor came out but it felt like we’d waited an hour. “Before I take you back let me tell you what we know so far,” she said and we stopped into a small waiting room of sorts and listened closely. “Mr. Larson has pneumonia, and it looks like he’s had it for a while.” I nodded and felt like I might throw up. “It’s very serious, but what I’m more concerned about is the tumor we saw when we did the chest x-ray.” I squeezed my mom’s hand hard. “We need to biopsy it but it presents like cancer.”
“Oh my God,” I said and my voice sounded tiny, like a mouse.
“But there’s just the one tumor,” she said, “so we’ve found it early. Once we get him a little more stable we’ll do some additional tests, blood work, and then we’ll know more.” I nodded as I held tightly to my mom then followed the doctor back to the bed Ryder was occupying.
“How much does he know?” I asked before we reached the room.
“He knows about the pneumonia,” she said. “We always feel it’s best to wait for a patient’s loved ones before talking about cancer,” she said and I nodded and wiped a few more tears away. “Here we are,” she said, her voice more upbeat as she pulled the curtain back on the tiny room he was lying in. He looked so small with all the tubes and things attached and I felt more connected to him than I ever had. He was awake and I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I approached him, scooping his hand into mine and bending over and kissing his forehead. He had on a breathing mask but he pulled it off and started to speak. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice weak and barely audible, and I shook my head and put the mask back on.
“For better or worse, remember?” I whispered and when he blinked his eyes a few tears fell out. He mouthed the words ‘I love you’ and I mouthed them back then just sat quietly for a few moments while I thought about how to tell him about the tumor. “Can you give us a minute?” I asked as I turned to my mom and the doctor and they nodded and stepped out and pulled the curtain closed.
He pulled the mask away again and tried to smile. “Your mom knows,” he squeaked out and I put the mask back on again.
“Don’t try to talk,” I said. “But yes, she knows. I don’t know how, but I’m glad she does. I feel relieved about that.” He blinked his eyes and nodded slightly while I tried to muster the courage to tell him what the doctor had told me.
“Tell me,” he said from beneath the mask and I smiled at how well he knew me. Married or not, he really was my best friend and could always tell when I was keeping something from him.
“They found a tumor in your lung,” I said and he closed his eyes and sighed. “They need to do more tests once you’re stable.” I wiped a few more tears that leaked from the corners of his eyes and didn’t say anything else. He knew what it meant. His father had died from lung cancer and had never smoked a day in his life. “I’m going to call your mom, okay?” He blinked and nodded and I kissed his forehead once more, then kissed his hand and walked toward the curtain.
I nodded at my mom and the doctor and asked where I could go to make a phone call. “Mom, would you sit with him while I’m gone?” I asked and she smiled and nodded then stepped back inside while the doctor walked with me back to the small room we’d been in earlier.
“We need to get him admitted,” she said though her words were a bit fuzzy. “And in two or three days he should be stable enough for us to do the other tests.” I nodded as we reached the room. “There’s some paperwork I’ll need you to sign.” I looked at her and started to break and she took my hand and squeezed it. “I know it’s ridiculous for me to tell you not to worry, but we really are doing everything we can.” I nodded as the tears continued to fall. “I’ll have someone bring the paperwork in when it’s ready.” I nodded again then watched her walk through the door and pull it closed behind her.
I pulled out my phone and dialed Mrs. Larson’s number, a number I’d dialed many times before when Ryder had visited her over the years. I’d always loved his mom. She’d always been so much more nurturing and loving than my own but I still wasn’t sure how she was going to react to all the news I was about to tell her.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Larson, hi,” I said. “It’s Marianne.”
“Oh Marianne sweetie, how are you?”
“It’s Ryder,” I said and took a deep breath before telling her everything about this health.
“I’m so glad you’re there with him,” she sighed. “But I’ll be on the first plane. And I’ll figure out what we’re going to do to pay for all of this.”
“There’s actually one more thing,” I said then told her we were married.
“Well,” she sighed. “I can’t say I’m surprised. That boy has loved you from the moment he met you.” I was stunned by her words and didn’t know quite how to react. “I’m a little disappointed I wasn’t invited though.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, still trying to wrap my brain around her words. Ryder had never even flirted with me. The only time we’d kissed was during the wedding ceremony and there was honestly nothing about it that made me think he felt something more for me than just friendship.
“It’s just like him to want to keep it all low key,” she said and actually seemed happy. “And now he has you by his side through all of this.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said.
We talked for a few more minutes and she told me she’d call back with her flight information once she made all the arrangements. After I hung up I paced around the small room, taking deliberate breaths as I tried to figure out how I’d missed my husband being in love with me. I’d never once thought about him as boyfriend material but I wasn’t really sure why. And there I was, married, to the man who apparently loved me.
I made my way back to his bed but stood outside when I heard my mom’s voice. “I’m glad you finally told her how you felt,” she said and I thought I was hearing things. “I still remember that conversation you and I had when you visited back in college and Marianne’s father interrogated you until you almost passed out. When she pulled him into his study to tell him to back off and you and I were left alone, I remember how your eyes followed her and how you smiled. I always appreciated your honesty when I asked you point blank if you loved my daughter. I also always appreciated that you stayed her friend and never pressured her. Someday you’re going to have to tell me how this all happened.”
I waited a few seconds before pulling back the curtain then stepped in and saw my mom holding my husband’s hand and she looked different somehow, happier, softer. “Did you get in touch with Mrs. Larson?” my mom asked and I nodded.
“She’ll call me back once she makes her plans,” I said. “Did they bring the paperwork in to admit him yet?” She shook her head then stood from the chair and motioned to me to sit.
“I’ll go find out what’s taking so long so he can get into a room.”
“Thanks mom,” I said and watched her walk away. When I turned back to Ryder he’d pulled off his mask again and was smiling at me. “What?”
“You heard all of that, didn’t you?” His voice was a little stronger and I hoped that meant whatever medicine they were pumping into him was working. “Don’t bother denying it,” he continued. “I saw your shadow on the curtain.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I knew you didn’t feel the same way,” he said then started to cough and I slipped the mask back over his mouth and ran my hand along the outer edge of his face and smiled. Maybe I did love him. Maybe I just had no idea what love really looked like and I’d been in it all along. I looked down into his eyes and felt the tears forming again. “Hey,” he said through his mask and put his hand my cheek and pulled the mask away again. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How did you know I didn’t feel the same way?” I asked through my tears. “Maybe I did. Maybe I do!”
He started coughing again and I started to put the mask back on but he pulled my hand away and held on tight. “If that’s true,” he managed to say before coughing again.
“I think it is,” I said, my voice calmer. “I just didn’t know.”
He smiled as he shook his head and I laughed as we realized how ridiculous it all was. “All this time,” he said and rubbed his thumb across the top of my cheek bone and I closed my eyes and put my hand on his and leaned into it. “We had each other all this time.”
“And we’ll have each other for the rest of our lives,” I added then leaned down and kissed him like I should have kissed him after saying I do, like I really loved him, like I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
We had three amazing and hard years together before the cancer finally consumed him and I regretted nothing. I’d found love without even looking and I’d given it every part of my soul without a second thought.
© Carrie M. Medders
